Neighbor Solutions - The Bob Bla-Blog

...and No One's Growin' Grass like Mimi Cass!

2011-08-16T22:42:00.000-04:00

Two or three times each summer, whether it needs it or not, Mimi Cass hires Bob The Thief (not their real names) to spend three days mowing her suburban quarter-acre, cut back brush and blow the refuse onto county park land. Here is why I don't mind that my Neighbor From Hell is an enormous, lazy oaf who's proud of her unkemt yard and her two teenagers who ignore it.

It demonstrates to the world she is who she is -- too many Neighbors From Hell wear a more social mask when interacting with the world beyond their immediate neighbors, and people dropping off their kids or simply driving by can see she is cloaked inside a jungle, isolated from a society that generally prefers to keep up with its chores and responsibilities.
I don't need to see Bob The Thief any more than two or three times a year, shirt off, cigarette dangling, his criminal-in-training tween son made to work by his side.
If I need to skip a few days of mowing my own lawn, it still looks like an elegant garden beside her yard.

If you're a racoon crossing the street from the park, which house would you choose to visit for some garbage can snacking and nesting?

Now, if you haven't read the book or visited the message board in a while, you may not know who Mimi Cass is. She's the woman I asked years ago to stop leaving her yappy dog out overnight, who then, despite our having a fine relationship beforehand and despite my very diplomatic approach, began belting out a song, and engaged in a harassment campaign to retaliate, telling all my good neighbors what a jerk I am. Due to her size and her singing "talent," I named her Mimi Cass (her real first name is Mimi -- am I clever or what?).

Bob The Thief, meanwhile, is her handyman, an ex-con other neighbors and I had hired and later had to fire for, you guessed it, theft -- along with simply not knowing what he's doing. I've had to redo all the work I'd paid him to do, and my neighbor on the other side had to replace their roof and front steps because of his "work."

My own neighbor problems pale in comparison to those of so many people I work with, so I take as much of a humorous look at mine as possible. It alleviates the stress of conflict close to home.

Anyway, if you have a neighbor who needs lawn assistance, such as an elderly neighbor, someone who's disabled, or someone who's working several jobs just to stay afloat, go ahead and help them by mowing their lawn for them, expecting nothing in return. That's what good neighbors do.

If they suck as a neighbor and fail to keep up their homes, don't get too stressed. Does it impact property values? Probably. Does it draw more pests? I don't know, I'm in the People's Republic of South Jersey, where mosquitoes rule the summer, and I just don't know if Mimi's yard makes it better or worse.

Most people I work with don't much care, in the scheme of things, if their neighbor keeps the lawn manicured, so long as he or she is otherwise neighborly. But if he or she is otherwise a Neighbor From Hell, the eyesore is that much more noticeable to us. And upon giving it more thought, I realized it needn't be.

I like the mask being off.

"You're like my mommy after her box of wine." -- Ralph Wiggum, The Simpsons

2011-06-14T22:31:00.000-04:00

If there’s a product much maligned for no reason beyond snobbery, it’s boxed wine. My wine-collecting friend would never touch the stuff, but then, he has a basement full of fine bottles. What about wine in a box is so bad?

As someone who used to purchase $80 bottles of Chateauneuf-du-Pape from Chateau Beaucastel and not give it a thought, I’m glad when I can put my money to other uses as my palette and wallette no longer consistently maintain similar stride.

Though not a wine expert, I drink wine every day. After all, I’m a writer. And I’ve had Neighbors From Hell. So a glass or two of wine ends my day nicely. Perhaps necessarily. When my book is a bestseller I’ll have a basement full of bottles, perhaps, but for now, I’ve been in search of inexpensive wines that are drinkable. Hence this month’s review.

First, I challenge the notion that boxed wine is bad just because it’s in a box. I purchase Franzia burgundy often – in five-liter boxes – because I cook with it so much. Is it drinkable? Insofar as I drink it, yes. Is it enjoyable? I’ve had worse.

If you start with a great wine, barrel-aged, and put it in a box instead of a glass bottle, what goes wrong? Experts may say you lose something in not respecting the value of a bottle’s shape, color, corking, etc.; but real experts also say most bottled wines are mistreated in transit from the vineyard to your mouth – shaken too much, not kept at the right temperature, etc. So I’m focusing on what goes right:

The box is more eco-friendly – three-liter boxes replace four 750 ml bottles.
The box preserves the wine better – if opening a bottle and not finishing it, the following day it has lost much of what made it great; boxed wine comes with a spout so that oxygen cannot enter and spoil the taste – have a glass a day over the course of a couple weeks and the last one is generally as good as the first.

The Franzias and their ilk aside, I shopped around and found artisan wines in a box. Octavin Wine Bar offers several; its Silver Birch Sauvignon Blanc was highly rated so I gave it a shot. Let’s just say it put Franzia’s “Refreshing White” to shame. Some boxed wines really do suck; this one is great. Drink it alone, pair it with poultry, fish, pasta – or do what I do and drink it with red meat. Red meat doesn’t need red wine – many whites work well with a medium-rare grass-fed steak, and this is one.

Next, I stayed within the Octavin distribution (in tall boxes shaped on top like octagons) to try its Pinot Evil Pinot Noir. Again, I was very pleased. To me, good wines complement great food, or stand on their own with strength. I’m drinking some as I write this, and it gives me a craving for smoky meats – a charcuterie plate of sausages and pates would suit me well with this wine. All I have around are peanuts in their shell, but you get my point.

Both of these wines offer complexity and definable character, unlike the wines that first entered the box market. At $20 for a 3L, they cost more than Franzia’s suite of wines that come in at $15 or under for the 5L boxes. You’ll know where that extra money went. But that’s not to bash the Franzia burgundy – I’ll still cook with it, and I’ll still drink it.

So, who gives a crap what a nonfiction/societal culture writer has to say about wine? No one. But in my work I often have to take on the conventions we all accept too readily. Like nuisance noise is just a part of living in a neighborhood, and you should never complain to your neighbors about anything they do.

Boxed wine is awful. Sometimes, yes. But the statement is broad and not useful. You can’t take it to a great BYOB restaurant. There’s another convention worth challenging; just keep an empty 750 ML bottle around, fill it nearly to the top with your favorite boxed wine, re-cork and head out, apparently having enjoyed a taste before leaving home. Just be sure to finish it during the meal, and see if you can sneak it out when you leave for more refilling.

Helping homeless family, man faces eviction after he complains about his neighbors

2011-05-03T20:17:00.000-04:00

NOTE: To protect identities of NFH members, names and some details are changed.

Hi Robert,

One problem solved, another one to resolve and I desperately need your advice.

I received a notice that I am in violation of my lease. I have a situation where I am assisting a homeless family by having them live with me temporarily. It seems that the same people that I complained about filed their own complaint with management. Because they are 'trouble makers' and other tenants have complained about them their lease is not being renewed, they will have to vacate in a couple of months. Since they know that I was one of the persons that complained they informed the management that I have extra people living with me. They are basically getting even with me.

I figure that the management will push for an eviction. What rights do I have in this matter? What can be done with the homeless family that I am helping? I obviously don't want to be evicted but I can't put these people out in the street either, they just lost their home a couple of months ago as it was taken by the mortgage bank.

Please advise, thank you. --Eduardo

Hi Eduardo, I'm glad the neighbors aren't staying, and with that accomplished you'd probably like to stay yourself.

Check your lease to see if you are in fact in violation. While the contract probably states no more than one or two people may reside in your unit, it may or may not specify the length a guest may stay with you, or how many guests may stay at any time. If it does, you could be in violation. A violation does not equal eviction, but it can lead to it, or the lessor's decision not to renew your lease. If your guests are "temporary" as you noted in your mail to me, it would help your situation if you have an end date by which they are expected to depart. Then, offer to compensate management for the additional water or whatever else they pay for, explaining you are simply helping a homeless family, providing details about their predicament.

Aside from additional costs, you may be committing a fire code violation if you are "over-occupied." This is more serious in that it's not remedied by paying extra money to the lessor. Over-occupation refers to having too many people living in a given amount of square footage, and/or having too many people congregating in too small a space. But don't raise this part of the issue unless management raises it; if you can, offer to pay additional monies while your short-term, temporary guests-in-distress are staying with you, and provide as near a move-out date for them as possible.

Keep me informed. --bob

Boombuster 2.0 -- Busting the booms that infiltrate our homes

2011-05-03T19:43:00.000-04:00

Boomcars a mile away, the upstairs neighbor's home theater system, nearby con-struction, adjacent low-frequence noise from AC compressors, pool filters and hot tubs -- Boombuster can deaden these sounds so you can sleep at night.
    I found it necessary to use a sound system with high-wattage speakers (my laptop did not do the trick) in order to achieve a volume sufficient to drown out these nuisance noises that continue to grow in numbers, volume and vibration. To fight a fire, essentially, you need a bigger fire. Played at low volume on the laptop, I still knew when area high schoolers, whose cars are sound barrier-breakers, were let out for the day.

    I'm not pleased that we should have to use Boombuster, of course. I'd like instead for someone to invent a noise-seeking missile (my own patent is pending). But as the good guys, we choose not to blow up the enemy. Until municipalities begin fining noise-making idiots who won't respect their neighbors or the general population, this is what we got.
    Boombuster 2.0 will not drown out a loud barking dog, smashing bottles on the pavement below, screams from children playing in their backyard, or fireworks. If anything does, it's probably just as bad for our ears as the noise itself. And just as annoying; low-frequency noise deadeners like white-noise machines and Boombuster are, meanwhile, not annoying. I do not know the auditory effects of white noise on humans long-term, but I know the short-term effects on the blood pressure of those of us who have Neighbors From Hell. For some, this is a good weapon to keep in the arsenal, and you can buy it online at Boombuster.com ($9.95).
    As a matter of disclosure, let me say I'm keeping the CD Boombuster sent me, but I am otherwise not being compensated for providing any review, good or bad. Look for more neighbor-related product reviews in the future.

Looking for trees to block out neighbors? Look elsewhere

2011-05-03T19:36:00.001-04:00

I have three fast-growing Leyland Cypress trees in my suburban yard to help reduce the noise and sights of a nearby roadway. I ordered four more in April from Thuja Gardens -- five-gallon, 5-6-feet high. I promptly received an order confirmation from one Roy Lawing. I don't know any Roys, but I like Roy Clark and Roy Scheider, so what could go wrong? Well, let me tell you everything that's wrong with ordering trees from Thuja Gardens and Roy Lawing.
     A few days after ordering, I wrote Roy asking for an estimate as to when I might expect receipt of the trees. No response. A few days later, I began wondering so I revisited the site at ThujaGardens.com. I called the customer service line and was told by a recording it's best to contact sales via email. So I emailed sales@thujagardens.com, which apparently also goes to Roy, and it appears Thuja Gardens is a one-man operation. That's fine, and I understand people get very busy. I know some produce farmers and the work is tough -- tree farming is probably equally hard.
    But still not hearing anything after a couple weeks, I wrote Roy@ and Sales@ ThujaGardens, asking that the order be cancelled due to not having received the trees or any response from the company. I asked to have my account credited by Friday, April 29.
    On Monday, May 2, I contacted the card issuer to discuss the matter and initiate a dispute. These disputes are winnable, generally, when you can provide the issuer evidence of the order and return of items purchased; it's harder to prove a lack of receipt of something, so a paper trail of email copies and a log of communication attempts helps.
    Later Monday, an odd email from "FedEx," not noting many details often found in such emails, arrived, indicating the shipment of a 63-pound box from Thuja to me. Now, 20 gallons of soil and 20-plus feet of evergreen safely weigh a great deal more than 63 pounds.
    Wishing I could go back in time, I did some past-due diligence on Roy and Thuja Gardens. I found reviews of his products and services. What's more -- I found Roy's sarcastic responses to bad reviews, which he finds time to post although he's unwilling or unable to respond to questions from customers who've paid him.
    "I have ordered a tree within the last month with this company," wrote a reviewer from Milroy, Pa. "We checked our credit card statement which indicates that the tree was paid for, but after many attempts of emails and phone calls have been unable to establish any type of contact with this company regarding our status on the tree. After reading these many posts from others and responses from the infamous 'Roy,' I must say that I truly am beginning to believe he is a scam artist and a thief ... I am very disappointed in Thuja Gardens and advise anyone [against] purchasing from this place again. As for the payment for a purchase, I plan to take action to the fullest to resolve this matter."
    A man from Ellettsville, Ind. wrote: "[Roy] told me not to get my blood pressure up! I told him I was filing a dispute with [the card issuer], which I did and [received] a refund. He shipped them again, and again I tried repeatedly to get him on the phone ... If you deal with him-you will be sorry ... Judgement day will be hell for you mister!" Two weeks later, Roy responded on the review site with: "Jesus loves you."
    So, if that FedEx email is the least bit genuine, I expect to refuse to accept delivery tomorrow of 63 pounds of something; Roy writes about how some people just irritate him, an emotion I can identify with. Because he is likely irritated with me for asking questions and then cancelling, stay tuned to learn if what I receive is 63 pounds of manure.

UPDATE: Day of Delivery
    What arrived was one box with what may have been one properly sized tree (or four trees way smaller than those ordered). I caught the FedEx guy (the email was real) before he unloaded and told him not to bother. He wrote "rejected" on the box and pointed to the dirt coming out of the bottom (not uncommon with tree and plant shipments). He entered the non-acceptance in his thing-a-ma-bob and had me sign it. I photographed the box with his rejection label, for my card issuer in case Roy disputes my dispute.
    Here's the thing: If Roy needed more time to produce four trees of the size ordered, I'm reasonable and would have understood. If that was the case, I don't know, because I have heard nothing from him, even after asking him to cancel the order, even after I filed the merchant services dispute.
    Ironically, another of Roy's customers posted a negative experience today on the review site I mentioned, which you'll find at http://davesgarden.com/products/gwd/c/5465/.

Noisy neighbors versus the rest of us

2011-01-04T23:13:00.000-05:00

Ever notice that noisy people, disrespectful neighbors and "Neighbors From Hell" in general all have the same terms for those who complain? We are Nasty, Cranky, Controlling, Old Jerks -- being called French is a new one by me. On the side I come down on, which I call the "good neighbor underclass" because we're typically made fun of in the media and underserved by authorities, we find our own set of appropriate terms for you: Low-class, Stupid, Ignorant, Law-breaking, White trash.

Neighbor conflict is the result of one primary factor, I've found after over a decade of being involved and helping people resolve differences with fairness to all sides: Disrespect. People living side-by-side, above and beneath one another with party walls, picket fencing or even a large yard separating their existence from that of their neighbors, don't respect the peaceful enjoyment of their neighbors' homes, they drain pool water into their yards, they keep smelly trash in improper containers, allow their pets to wander, and take the old "kids'll be kids" attitude when their little ones (I'm a father, for the record) aren't behaving neighborly.

Having respect for others is a sign of intelligence. So is having patience with people in your midst who may not be aware they're causing harm. But smart people who respect the society around them don't require the rest of us to be indulgent and patient. We live our lives with the hope of never having to complain about a noisy neighbor -- the noise-acculturated seem to think anyone who complains just wants to complain.

Nope. We just want peace.

A guy yelling into his cellphone confronted me once on a train when I just continually stared at him. "What are you looking at?" he said. "Oh," I said. "You don't want attention? If you don't want an audience, why are you putting on a show?"

If you don't want to deal with complaints, don't give people a reason to complain.

Happy Holidays (to good neighbors only -- the rest of you go to hell)

2010-12-15T23:30:00.000-05:00

Since my son will turn 2 soon after Christmas, he's more aware this year than last of what Being Good means, in terms of a visit from Santa. But not aware enough that he should receive a lump of coal for all his temper tantrums, biting and smashing of tree ornaments ("BALL!" he yells as he throws it into a wall). I suppose by next year he might start to grasp the concept that good behavior is rewarded by Santa, while misbehavior threatens to cut off the good stuff. Which gets me to thinking about the misbehaving children of bad neighbors, whose kids have been taught to disrespect those around them, to be selfish and petulant. The lessons aren't formalized -- it's learned misbehavior.

Christmas is generally a chance to get stuff we don't deserve and don't need. But throughout the year it's important to remind our kids that when they treat others well, they're showing good character and building a better future for themselves. Good behavior is its own reward.

Since that's not an easy concept for kids, if they were particularly nice to a neighbor -- maybe they shoveled the sidewalk of the lady next door who lives alone, or sent packaged toys to children in need whom they've never met, or even helped a friend next door with homework or a project, maybe there ought to be something special under the tree as an acknowledgement. Having a physical reward reminds us, no matter how old we are, that as we shall reap so shall we sow.

So, Merry Christmas, good neighbors. May you have much cheer to spread.

Brussels Sprouts Gratin

2010-11-28T22:29:00.006-05:00

Here's a simple recipe from my forthcoming cookbook, The Partiers' Cookbook, aimed at balancing good health with good times. The web site will be up soon.

Many people think Brussels sprouts suck. Not true. You've had them boiled and mushy, or undercooked and difficult to chew. Brussels sprouts can be shredded on a mandolin and stir-fried with pecans and real maple syrup; they can be halved and caramelized in brown butter. In this case, they're getting blanched, halved and then roasted with butter, parmesan and breadcrumbs.

1 lb. Brussels sprouts (use any quantity and adjust measurements as needed)
Kosher salt
1/2 to 1 whole stick Unsalted butter
1/2 to 1 whole cup Panko breadcrumbs (Japanese coarse breadcrumbs -- use regular ones in a pinch)
Parmesan cheese (fresh-grated Reggiano is preferred and plenty of it, but use what you can)

Trim the sprouts. Remove the very bottom with a knife and peel back loose leaves, discarding anything that's dry looking or yellow. Wash.

Blanch the sprouts. Boil water, drop them in, return to boil, reduce heat and simmer for 10 minutes or until approaching fork-tenderness, drain.

Halve the sprouts. Slice down the middle using the stem end as a centerpoint.

Position the sprouts. Place face-up (cut end up) in an oven-proof pan or baking dish. Sprinkle with salt and breadcrumbs.

Melt the butter and pour over the sprouts. Grate the cheese directly over.

Roast at 400 degrees for 15 minutes. Test with a fork to check for enough "give" so they're not tough. To achieve a nice browing on top, place under direct broiler for a minute or so, checking frequently.

These can be served aside chicken or as a stand-alone appetizer. Use fresh sprouts if available, and if using frozen, reduce all cooking times in half. But don't use frozen sprouts if you don't have to.

The Great Fear of Jacko Bashing - a stream-of-consciousness rant

2010-08-15T23:10:00.003-04:00

A few months back I was at City Winery in New York, enjoying some wine while watching a favorite singer of mine. I loved her show -- it's a rather small venue so she was casual and conversational.

But when she briefly and in jest did a Michael Jackson cover, she joked a bit about him, alluding to his habit of mollesting young male children, and the audience laughed. It was funny. But in apparent fear of being sued, she immediately said, "No judge, no judge."

Being a female folk singer, she's expected to be so liberal as to say that, meaning, Let us not judge others. But I disagree. Judging others is necessary in life today, and it keeps many of us alive. No judge, no judge? I'll be the judge of that. Michael Jackson was, among other things, a pedophile. Do I have the proof? No. But enough people sued him over what he did to their sons to make me think something may have been up. Combine that with all the weird stuff and I'm willing to climb out on a branch and say, yes, he was guilty. No judge? You're right -- there was no judge, because the rich little jerk was able to pay off the parents of all his young victims, so he never had to go to trial.

I don't like that we're supposed to edit ourselves when dealing with a rich and powerful figure. Now that Michael Jackson is dead, comedians are starting to loosen up a bit and say what they couldn't say before. But not much -- after all, his heirs and other Jacko interests could sue. Hell, the old woman who told cameras Jacko's death made for the worst day or her life could probably sue.

Power in our society isn't centered around good people who have everyone's interests at heart. This pervades the fabric of America right down to our neighborhoods.

Good neighbors are not powerful by any means. We keep to ourselves, while bad neighbors and true Neighbors From Hell band together like grease bonding in a puddle of dirty water.

And in all my work, I don't see that changing. It's not in our nature to gang up on our problem neighbor, and we don't have the time to return their harassment. Given time and money and having nothing better to do, we just might be pulled down to their level, maybe just briefly.

I'm glad to be among the good neighbor "underclass," and among the masses who don't do whatever they want -- either because it's socially unacceptable or financially unaffordable -- without respect for neighbors or other human beings in general.

And yet, I'm sure that very singer -- the one whose show I attended and enjoyed -- would fault me for being so judgmental. Ah, so you do judge?

2010-07-27T15:19:00.001-04:00

Watching Nick Jr. with my toddler is loads of fun. It's commercial-free, some of the shows are funny for adults (like "Jack's Big Music Show"), and my son Jack enjoys the programming and learning.

But a few shows, I find, are neighbor-unfriendly. Even Jack's Big Music Show has a grumpy squirrel for a neighbor, who complains about the noise from their music. Miss Spider (starring Kristen Davis) did actually take on a noisy neighbor problem and resolved in a way similar to how I would have, so I'm not bashing all the programming there.

One show, however, depicts the "bad guy," Robbie Rotten, as a bad neighbor who's always playing tricks on the puppets and popular pink-haired human character Stephanie. Why?

Usually, it's because Stephanie and friends are making a lot of noise for Robbie, who just wants to live in peace and be lazy in his underground home (yes, he's the equivalent of the little-old-lady-neighbor-character always associated with banging the broomstick on her ceiling to get the upstairs neighbors to pipe down).

Stephanie and the others are good-natured, and they don't torture Robbie, who ultimately loses every battle he takes on with them. But does the show, and do the media in general, consistently have to portray neighbors who want peace as tricksters and lunatics? This is what I complain about most in the book and on talk shows I do (I'm doing one Wed., July 28 on Minnesota Public Radio if you feel like tuning in via the live stream and calling in) -- we're not the bad guys. A few decades ago, QUIET neighbors were the GOOD guys. Today, you get ridiculed if you complain about neighbor noise, and typically get little support from authorities.

I don't want Jack to think that people raising an issue are the bad guys. Part of breaking the cycle of deteriorating neighbor relations among humankind is teaching kids to respect their neighbors. Mister Rogers always did. Why can't Nick Jr.?

Good neighbor “Mary Ann” topples aggressive noise from Home of the Whopper

2010-06-01T22:50:00.005-04:00

“I am having a serious problem with the Burger King located on the block behind my house,” Mary Ann wrote me in September 2008. “Their drive-thru speaker box is less than 500 feet from my bedroom. My neighbor on the other side of my street can hear the box. It starts at 6:15 a.m. and on weekends it continues to 2 a.m.”

I wrote back to Mary Ann, ending with: "The process takes time, and I'll guide you through next steps if things aren't fixed soon."

Most of us with neighbor noise issues are dealing with area residents. The management and owners of this particular restaurant had absolutely no interest in being good neighbors. They didn't have to. They don't live there, and their business's sustainability wasn't impacted by how neighbors felt about the speaker system.

So Mary Ann made them care. She contacted BK corporate, which basically laughed and belittled her. I knew her process would take some time, but it wound up taking longer than even I'd estimated, and I'm somewhat cynical about this stuff.

It took two years.

She took them to small claims court for disturbing the peace, and, "I WON!" she reported to me. "They laughed at me, but the judge didn’t find it very amusing. There are also notes in their city permit file, so that every time they apply for a permit, they will be reminded about the noise constraint law in residential areas and if they violate it, their permits will be pulled."

An LAPD detective went to Mary Ann's Burger King and put a lock box on the volume control for their speaker box. She's been sleeping like a baby ever since.

Neighbor Solutions and NeighborsFromHell.com salute Mary Ann for fighting the good fight, and making her community quieter and better for everyone.

See Mary Ann's first-person account at her blog, which provides more detail than my quick write up.

'Neighbors From Hell' released

2009-11-11T21:11:00.001-05:00

Well, I guess it’s kind of ridiculous that it took 10 years to produce the 172 pages of Neighbors From Hell. Considering I can write pretty fast, 17.2 pages per year is an embarrassment.

But blame the editing process. I cut it down from tens of thousands of pages in my writing and rewriting, changing things as I learned new stuff and had better content to offer. Really, the “finished” book eight years ago wouldn’t have been as useful as the final “finished” product is today. It’s a shorter read, and a much better one.

In addition, much of the down time wasn’t spent writing the book, but regenerating proposals for agents and publishers and others in the world of traditional book publishing. Everyone loved the idea, but some wanted it to be funny, some wanted me to quote more famous people, and others wanted me to have my own television show before they’d pitch it.

I don’t do clever. And TV doesn’t lend itself well to this subject – it would bring harm to people already at their wit’s end. I’ve been invited by about a dozen producers to be involved in their neighbor shows, so I know of what I speak. That’s not why I’m here.

So, that’s my official announcement. Neighbors From Hell is available. You can buy it at Amazon.com, but I get better royalties through CreateSpace, at https://www.createspace.com/Customer/EStore.do?id=3408468. Happy reading.

Being a bad neighbor, versus being a shoplifter

2009-10-09T09:52:00.005-04:00

If you've ever had to call the police due to a neighbor's noise, harassment, vandalism, etc., you know how low a priority we of the Good Neighbor Underclass are given by police dispatchers. If the neighbor isn't holding a knife against your throat and isn't armed, the call is deemed an interpersonal conflict. A nuisance call.

So, what warrants top priority in a small town where gang violence, belligerent homeless people and machine gun rampages aren't taking place?

Get ready to invest in CVS, Walgreens and all the chain drug stores.

Swipe a pack of gum and run out of one of those stores, here in the New Jersey region just across the river from Philadelphia, and an APB goes out for you. Police patrol cars rush in from surrounding districts. I've seen parades of police vehicles zip the wrong way down my one-way street, all in pursuit of a shoplifter who wasn't armed and didn't hurt anyone.

This isn't to say it's okay to steal. But if it's a pack of gum or cigarettes, a bottle of medicine or booze, police need to tell these pharmacies and other stores to hire security guards to protect their merchandise. Taxpayers already pay high prices at these stores for such overhead, and would like for the local cops to reevaluate their priorities.

Make shoplifting calls the nuisance. Make quality-of-life calls the ones that warrant such a show of force.

Dog-do in the yard -- your dog, but not your yard

2009-06-12T09:40:00.002-04:00

Walking my small dog this morning, I came across a woman I've seen before, walking her very large and unruly dog. She's not unusual for South Jersey -- large, not neatly dressed, and multi-tasking a set of mismatched tasks. Walking her big dog and talking on her cell phone just aren't compatible tasks.

My dog loves big dogs and always wants to go over and meet and greet. This woman has told me before, in a friendly enough way, that her dog is not good with small dogs, or any dogs. That's fine -- Buddy will have to get over it.

But today, as she's cell-yelling away with her voice roughened by a hard life, while being walked by what apparently is a dangerous animal, she found herself pulled up the hill into someone's yard. This is someone on my street -- I don't know the people, but I know it's not her yard. Her dog proceeds to poop a whole lot of poop, not far from the household's children's big plastic toys, left out in the rain.

She sees I'm watching all this, and she deflects. "I had to move away from you and your small dog!" she announces while I'm across the street. She doesn't seem to remember having seen me before, but I'm much less memorable than she.

I don't appreciate deflection -- in this case, telling me I've somehow caused the situation she finds herself in. And I don't appreciate anyone's choice to let their dog poop in someone else's yard.

In my business, I'm never looking for a conflict. Conflict takes time, costs money, and keeps me from happiness. Yet I'm blankly looking over her way, in my mind encouraging her to do the right thing. Dogs poop. Your dog is difficult for you to control. At least clean up the mess.

I see no sign this is going to happen.

I follow her deflection with a refreshing reminder of the facts: "That's someone's yard, you have to clean that up. Do you need a bag?"

"No! I have a bag!" she says. "Good," I say plainly -- no sarcasm. I'm hoping that I can now proceed on my way without further engagement.

"I'm trying to avoid a catastrophe!" she adds, still defending herself from what was basically nothing more, originally, than my witnessing of her crime. The catastrophe she foresees is perhaps a vicious attack of my dog by hers, which would be unprovoked, but which she may know better than I could happen, from experience.

I glance backward at her and nod. I continue to watch casually as I move on my way. She has no bag. There will be no clean-up. And the children of neighbors I don't know will play near the dog-do of what may be a killer beast.

When you live in a neighborhood that includes some lower-class individuals (I don't mean their socio-economic status -- I mean their values, and where they rank being neighborly among their priorities, i.e. above or below their own self-interest), you're going to encounter situations like this.

But what I find myself asking is whether I, as a male, would have instructed a non-female on poop-scooping etiquette. I'm troubled by the fact that I'm contacted often by single women suffering with bad neighbors, who happen to be men. Our dominance in physical stature can boost our self-confidence in dealing harshly with women. It shouldn't be this way, but I see it a lot.

So in questioning myself, I go back in time to another neighborhood, and recall I did have a similar situation with a guy, a guy bigger than myself. My neighbors and I in Philadelphia had found a lot of dog-do in recent days on our sidewalks, and now I was coming into contact with the guilty party. He looked at me, I looked at him. We continued to watch each other, each waiting for the other's move. "Need a bag?" I asked.

Knowing he was wrong, despite being larger than me, he capitulated, in the manner of body language we can observe. "Yea," he said. And for what may have been the first time in his life, he bagged his dog's do. He probably just dropped the bag once he turned the corner and was out of sight; the optimist in me says he didn't drop it until he came across an appropriate public trash bin.

The point in all this is that the person who should prevail in any neighbor dispute -- or any dispute -- isn't the larger one or the richer one. It's the right one.

Be right. Be neighborly and socially responsible. Good Neighbors Rule.

Media endorsement of neighborhood vigilantism

2009-06-08T22:45:00.002-04:00

In greater Philadelphia, we've followed the story lately of an 11-year-old who was raped, whose attacker was described by police through the local media outlets, who was later brutalized by neighbors who connected him as the suspect.

Caught on camera -- always a media-friendly turn of events -- the beating has been celebrated by the masses and endorsed, in my view, by the local CBS station. Reporter Valerie Levesque (mailto:levesque@cbs3.com) described the suspect's capture as having involved his being hit with a piece of wood. Doesn't sound so bad? In my home renovation work, I've whacked myself in the head more than once with a piece of wood.

But photos of the suspect show that to be an understatement. I used the term brutalized earlier because it fits. And trust me, if the guy's guilty, I wouldn't have cared if he kicked the bucket the next day. And I'm not 100 percent against vigilante justice -- I just don't trust the masses to exact revenge.

The local ABC affiliate, meanwhile, brought us the rest of the story. The suspect was seriously beaten and left in critical condition at a local hospital, which arriving police brought him to when the attacking neighbors called 911. Police didn't even charge the guy for a couple days -- not sure why, but it struck me as odd.

Police and Mayor Michael Nutter (a fine mayor, in my view, voted in after eight years of suffering with an incumbant who was bad for the city) have lauded the capture and not spoken out against the methods. The vigilantes have received something like $6,000 apiece reward money for their action. And police have said no, they won't be charged.

But channel 6 (WPVI-TV, the ABC station in Philadelphia) did report through Dann Cuellar (among the best reporters in the television business -- his Facebook page is at http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/profile.php?id=1238112192&ref=ts) that another man was beaten by vigilantes who had the wrong guy. Will those guys be charged? The victim is pressing charges, but where will the case go?

And won't the police and media attitudes that endorse vigilantism spark more of the same? Much as I love the concept of neighbors banding together for a common cause, that cause needs to be positive and not motivated by a propensity to enjoy violence or the receipt of cash.

How does this relate to neighbor disputes and their resolution? Solutions to the growing neighbor dispute problem rely heavily on sensibility prevailing over stupidity and emotional kneejerk reaction. Police leaders and some reporters jumped on the bandwagon they perceived the public wanted to climb aboard themselves -- get the bad guy off the street. Hurt him if you have to. Hell, even if you don't have to.

And again, I have no bleeding heart for criminals. Let 'em fry. But our justice system is flawed enough without police and media boosting up of a group of people lacking sufficient information going around beating up people -- including a neighbor -- based on the notion he "might" be a suspect in a media-hyped crime.

Plenty of bad neighbors from my past could have used that as an excuse to attack me physically, and it's just a matter of time before we see not only a proliferation of vigilantism in the Philadelphia region, but disingenuine vigilantism. A "Get Out of Jail FREE" card is now on the board for people looking for kicks by kicking the shit out of someone. Anyone. Maybe me. Maybe you.

The Bob Bla-Blog

2009-06-05T21:49:00.002-04:00

If you're a fan of the cancelled Fox TV show Arrested Development, you'll get the subtitle of my new blog. If you're not, rent or purchase the three-season series. Even if you don't care about my subtitle, I recommend the show. Between it and Family Guy, Fox owns the franchise on smart comedy these days.

We're here about the neighbors, though. As someone who's had both the greatest and the worst, I know how important the neighbor relationship is. So do you. I'm a former news reporter, so after having a pair of total losers living beside me during the 1990s and finding the situation uniquely irresolvable by traditional means (police, other authorities, my own diplomacy, etc.) I began researching and investigating the phenomenon of modern-day neighbor disputes. I found they are growing in numbers, and worsening in their effects. And the people themselves are worsening, forming into what I call the Nouveaux Trashe (NT).

Now, the NT aren't white trash, black trash or any other color trash. They're not necessarily poor or young, nor do they hail from any particular social background. A trash mentality has swept over our culture in the last couple decades, and the Nouveaux Trashe -- who were born and raised to know better -- have opted to run into its embrace. It's fun, it's sexy. It's the basis for what I call Noise Culture, and the en-masse movement away from neighborly behavior we're seeing on television and in person.

Perhaps the worst part of all this is that problems of noise, kids, boundaries, pets, trash, smells, privacy invasion, threats, intimidation and dozens more headings below the "Neighbors From Hell" banner are notably becoming more and more accepted by everyday people, police, legislators, judges, the news media, and many good neighbors. This acceptance of crap in the culture further boosts the worst un-neighborly types, pushing the rest of us into what I call the Good Neighbor Underclass.

We get no results, no satisfaction, no respect. We're demonized in ads catering to the masses who've embraced the un-neighborly ways, we're viewed as uptight and intolerant by many authorities, and we're continually pushed into this group that's okay to mistreat. I wouldn't say it's like belonging to a minority group before it was a protected class, but it's certainly like being a non-smoker before smoking indoors and out was allowed and widespread.

When I began writing I set up NeighborsFromHell.com, intended as a marketing device once the book was published. The site became a global support center for thousands of people, and I found myself gradually becoming an online counselor to people who, like me, were unexpectedly finding themselves up against it with terrible neighbors.

Now, with the book coming out this summer (if all goes well), I thought I'd start a blog. My site has its own message board with nearly 30,000 posts and hundreds of registered users, so this spot on Blogger will be my own ongoing venting and discussion forum.

I welcome one and all.