...and No One's Growin' Grass like Mimi Cass!

Two or three times each summer, whether it needs it or not, Mimi Cass hires Bob The Thief (not their real names) to spend three days mowing her suburban quarter-acre, cut back brush and blow the refuse onto county park land. Here is why I don't mind that my Neighbor From Hell is an enormous, lazy oaf who's proud of her unkemt yard and her two teenagers who ignore it.

1. It demonstrates to the world she is who she is -- too many Neighbors From Hell wear a more social mask when interacting with the world beyond their immediate neighbors, and people dropping off their kids or simply driving by can see she is cloaked inside a jungle, isolated from a society that generally prefers to keep up with its chores and responsibilities.
2. I don't need to see Bob The Thief any more than two or three times a year, shirt off, cigarette dangling, his criminal-in-training tween son made to work by his side.
3. If I need to skip a few days of mowing my own lawn, it still looks like an elegant garden beside her yard.

4. If you're a racoon crossing the street from the park, which house would you choose to visit for some garbage can snacking and nesting?

Now, if you haven't read the book or visited the message board in a while, you may not know who Mimi Cass is.  She's the woman I asked years ago to stop leaving her yappy dog out overnight, who then, despite our having a fine relationship beforehand and despite my very diplomatic approach, began belting out a song, and engaged in a harassment campaign to retaliate, telling all my good neighbors what a jerk I am.  Due to her size and her singing "talent," I named her Mimi Cass (her real first name is Mimi -- am I clever or what?).

Bob The Thief, meanwhile, is her handyman, an ex-con other neighbors and I had hired and later had to fire for, you guessed it, theft -- along with simply not knowing what he's doing.  I've had to redo all the work I'd paid him to do, and my neighbor on the other side had to replace their roof and front steps because of his "work."

My own neighbor problems pale in comparison to those of so many people I work with, so I take as much of a humorous look at mine as possible.  It alleviates the stress of conflict close to home.

Anyway, if you have a neighbor who needs lawn assistance, such as an elderly neighbor, someone who's disabled, or someone who's working several jobs just to stay afloat, go ahead and help them by mowing their lawn for them, expecting nothing in return.  That's what good neighbors do.

If they suck as a neighbor and fail to keep up their homes, don't get too stressed.  Does it impact property values?  Probably.  Does it draw more pests?  I don't know, I'm in the People's Republic of South Jersey, where mosquitoes rule the summer, and I just don't know if Mimi's yard makes it better or worse.

Most people I work with don't much care, in the scheme of things, if their neighbor keeps the lawn manicured, so long as he or she is otherwise neighborly.  But if he or she is otherwise a Neighbor From Hell, the eyesore is that much more noticeable to us.  And upon giving it more thought, I realized it needn't be.

I like the mask being off.

"You're like my mommy after her box of wine." -- Ralph Wiggum, The Simpsons

If there’s a product much maligned for no reason beyond snobbery, it’s boxed wine. My wine-collecting friend would never touch the stuff, but then, he has a basement full of fine bottles. What about wine in a box is so bad?

 

As someone who used to purchase $80 bottles of Chateauneuf-du-Pape from Chateau Beaucastel and not give it a thought, I’m glad when I can put my money to other uses as my palette and wallette no longer consistently maintain similar stride.

 

Though not a wine expert, I drink wine every day. After all, I’m a writer. And I’ve had Neighbors From Hell. So a glass or two of wine ends my day nicely. Perhaps necessarily. When my book is a bestseller I’ll have a basement full of bottles, perhaps, but for now, I’ve been in search of inexpensive wines that are drinkable. Hence this month’s review.

 

First, I challenge the notion that boxed wine is bad just because it’s in a box. I purchase Franzia burgundy often – in five-liter boxes – because I cook with it so much. Is it drinkable? Insofar as I drink it, yes. Is it enjoyable? I’ve had worse.

 

If you start with a great wine, barrel-aged, and put it in a box instead of a glass bottle, what goes wrong? Experts may say you lose something in not respecting the value of a bottle’s shape, color, corking, etc.; but real experts also say most bottled wines are mistreated in transit from the vineyard to your mouth – shaken too much, not kept at the right temperature, etc. So I’m focusing on what goes right:

• The box is more eco-friendly – three-liter boxes replace four 750 ml bottles.
• The box preserves the wine better – if opening a bottle and not finishing it, the following day it has lost much of what made it great; boxed wine comes with a spout so that oxygen cannot enter and spoil the taste – have a glass a day over the course of a couple weeks and the last one is generally as good as the first.

The Franzias and their ilk aside, I shopped around and found artisan wines in a box. Octavin Wine Bar offers several; its Silver Birch Sauvignon Blanc was highly rated so I gave it a shot. Let’s just say it put Franzia’s “Refreshing White” to shame. Some boxed wines really do suck; this one is great. Drink it alone, pair it with poultry, fish, pasta – or do what I do and drink it with red meat. Red meat doesn’t need red wine – many whites work well with a medium-rare grass-fed steak, and this is one.

 

Next, I stayed within the Octavin distribution (in tall boxes shaped on top like octagons) to try its Pinot Evil Pinot Noir. Again, I was very pleased. To me, good wines complement great food, or stand on their own with strength. I’m drinking some as I write this, and it gives me a craving for smoky meats – a charcuterie plate of sausages and pates would suit me well with this wine. All I have around are peanuts in their shell, but you get my point.

 

Both of these wines offer complexity and definable character, unlike the wines that first entered the box market. At $20 for a 3L, they cost more than Franzia’s suite of wines that come in at $15 or under for the 5L boxes. You’ll know where that extra money went. But that’s not to bash the Franzia burgundy – I’ll still cook with it, and I’ll still drink it.

 

So, who gives a crap what a nonfiction/societal culture writer has to say about wine? No one. But in my work I often have to take on the conventions we all accept too readily. Like nuisance noise is just a part of living in a neighborhood, and you should never complain to your neighbors about anything they do.

Boxed wine is awful. Sometimes, yes. But the statement is broad and not useful. You can’t take it to a great BYOB restaurant. There’s another convention worth challenging; just keep an empty 750 ML bottle around, fill it nearly to the top with your favorite boxed wine, re-cork and head out, apparently having enjoyed a taste before leaving home. Just be sure to finish it during the meal, and see if you can sneak it out when you leave for more refilling.

 

Helping homeless family, man faces eviction after he complains about his neighbors

NOTE:  To protect identities of NFH members, names and some details are changed.

Hi Robert,

One problem solved, another one to resolve and I desperately need your advice.

I received a notice that I am in violation of my lease. I have a situation where I am assisting a homeless family by having them live with me temporarily. It seems that the same people that I complained about filed their own complaint with management. Because they are 'trouble makers' and other tenants have complained about them their lease is not being renewed, they will have to vacate in a couple of months. Since they know that I was one of the persons that complained they informed the management that I have extra people living with me. They are basically getting even with me.

I figure that the management will push for an eviction. What rights do I have in this matter? What can be done with the homeless family that I am helping? I obviously don't want to be evicted but I can't put these people out in the street either, they just lost their home a couple of months ago as it was taken by the mortgage bank.

Please advise, thank you. --Eduardo


Hi Eduardo, I'm glad the neighbors aren't staying, and with that accomplished you'd probably like to stay yourself.

Check your lease to see if you are in fact in violation. While the contract probably states no more than one or two people may reside in your unit, it may or may not specify the length a guest may stay with you, or how many guests may stay at any time. If it does, you could be in violation. A violation does not equal eviction, but it can lead to it, or the lessor's decision not to renew your lease. If your guests are "temporary" as you noted in your mail to me, it would help your situation if you have an end date by which they are expected to depart. Then, offer to compensate management for the additional water or whatever else they pay for, explaining you are simply helping a homeless family, providing details about their predicament.

Aside from additional costs, you may be committing a fire code violation if you are "over-occupied." This is more serious in that it's not remedied by paying extra money to the lessor. Over-occupation refers to having too many people living in a given amount of square footage, and/or having too many people congregating in too small a space. But don't raise this part of the issue unless management raises it; if you can, offer to pay additional monies while your short-term, temporary guests-in-distress are staying with you, and provide as near a move-out date for them as possible.

Keep me informed. --bob

Boombuster 2.0 -- Busting the booms that infiltrate our homes

Boomcars a mile away, the upstairs neighbor's home theater system, nearby con-struction, adjacent low-frequence noise from AC compressors, pool filters and hot tubs -- Boombuster can deaden these sounds so you can sleep at night.
    I found it necessary to use a sound system with high-wattage speakers (my laptop did not do the trick) in order to achieve a volume sufficient to drown out these nuisance noises that continue to grow in numbers, volume and vibration. To fight a fire, essentially, you need a bigger fire. Played at low volume on the laptop, I still knew when area high schoolers, whose cars are sound barrier-breakers, were let out for the day.

    I'm not pleased that we should have to use Boombuster, of course. I'd like instead for someone to invent a noise-seeking missile (my own patent is pending). But as the good guys, we choose not to blow up the enemy. Until municipalities begin fining noise-making idiots who won't respect their neighbors or the general population, this is what we got.
    Boombuster 2.0 will not drown out a loud barking dog, smashing bottles on the pavement below, screams from children playing in their backyard, or fireworks. If anything does, it's probably just as bad for our ears as the noise itself. And just as annoying; low-frequency noise deadeners like white-noise machines and Boombuster are, meanwhile, not annoying. I do not know the auditory effects of white noise on humans long-term, but I know the short-term effects on the blood pressure of those of us who have Neighbors From Hell. For some, this is a good weapon to keep in the arsenal, and you can buy it online at Boombuster.com ($9.95).
    As a matter of disclosure, let me say I'm keeping the CD Boombuster sent me, but I am otherwise not being compensated for providing any review, good or bad. Look for more neighbor-related product reviews in the future.

Looking for trees to block out neighbors? Look elsewhere

I have three fast-growing Leyland Cypress trees in my suburban yard to help reduce the noise and sights of a nearby roadway.  I ordered four more in April from Thuja Gardens -- five-gallon, 5-6-feet high.  I promptly received an order confirmation from one Roy Lawing.  I don't know any Roys, but I like Roy Clark and Roy Scheider, so what could go wrong?  Well, let me tell you everything that's wrong with ordering trees from Thuja Gardens and Roy Lawing.
     A few days after ordering, I wrote Roy asking for an estimate as to when I might expect receipt of the trees.  No response.  A few days later, I began wondering so I revisited the site at ThujaGardens.com.  I called the customer service line and was told by a recording it's best to contact sales via email.  So I emailed sales@thujagardens.com, which apparently also goes to Roy, and it appears Thuja Gardens is a one-man operation.  That's fine, and I understand people get very busy.  I know some produce farmers and the work is tough -- tree farming is probably equally hard.
    But still not hearing anything after a couple weeks, I wrote Roy@ and Sales@ ThujaGardens, asking that the order be cancelled due to not having received the trees or any response from the company.  I asked to have my account credited by Friday, April 29.
    On Monday, May 2, I contacted the card issuer to discuss the matter and initiate a dispute.  These disputes are winnable, generally, when you can provide the issuer evidence of the order and return of items purchased; it's harder to prove a lack of receipt of something, so a paper trail of email copies and a log of communication attempts helps.
    Later Monday, an odd email from "FedEx," not noting many details often found in such emails, arrived, indicating the shipment of a 63-pound box from Thuja to me.  Now, 20 gallons of soil and 20-plus feet of evergreen safely weigh a great deal more than 63 pounds.
    Wishing I could go back in time, I did some past-due diligence on Roy and Thuja Gardens.  I found reviews of his products and services.  What's more -- I found Roy's sarcastic responses to bad reviews, which he finds time to post although he's unwilling or unable to respond to questions from customers who've paid him.
    "I have ordered a tree within the last month with this company," wrote a reviewer from Milroy, Pa.  "We checked our credit card statement which indicates that the tree was paid for, but after many attempts of emails and phone calls have been unable to establish any type of contact with this company regarding our status on the tree. After reading these many posts from others and responses from the infamous 'Roy,' I must say that I truly am beginning to believe he is a scam artist and a thief ... I am very disappointed in Thuja Gardens and advise anyone [against] purchasing from this place again. As for the payment for a purchase, I plan to take action to the fullest to resolve this matter."
    A man from Ellettsville, Ind. wrote:  "[Roy] told me not to get my blood pressure up! I told him I was filing a dispute with [the card issuer], which I did and [received] a refund. He shipped them again, and again I tried repeatedly to get him on the phone ... If you deal with him-you will be sorry ... Judgement day will be hell for you mister!"  Two weeks later, Roy responded on the review site with:  "Jesus loves you."
    So, if that FedEx email is the least bit genuine, I expect to refuse to accept delivery tomorrow of 63 pounds of something; Roy writes about how some people just irritate him, an emotion I can identify with.  Because he is likely irritated with me for asking questions and then cancelling, stay tuned to learn if what I receive is 63 pounds of manure.

UPDATE:  Day of Delivery
    What arrived was one box with what may have been one properly sized tree (or four trees way smaller than those ordered).  I caught the FedEx guy (the email was real) before he unloaded and told him not to bother.  He wrote "rejected" on the box and pointed to the dirt coming out of the bottom (not uncommon with tree and plant shipments).  He entered the non-acceptance in his thing-a-ma-bob and had me sign it.  I photographed the box with his rejection label, for my card issuer in case Roy disputes my dispute.
    Here's the thing:  If Roy needed more time to produce four trees of the size ordered, I'm reasonable and would have understood.  If that was the case, I don't know, because I have heard nothing from him, even after asking him to cancel the order, even after I filed the merchant services dispute.
    Ironically, another of Roy's customers posted a negative experience today on the review site I mentioned, which you'll find at http://davesgarden.com/products/gwd/c/5465/.

Noisy neighbors versus the rest of us

Ever notice that noisy people, disrespectful neighbors and "Neighbors From Hell" in general all have the same terms for those who complain? We are Nasty, Cranky, Controlling, Old Jerks -- being called French is a new one by me. On the side I come down on, which I call the "good neighbor underclass" because we're typically made fun of in the media and underserved by authorities, we find our own set of appropriate terms for you: Low-class, Stupid, Ignorant, Law-breaking, White trash.


Neighbor conflict is the result of one primary factor, I've found after over a decade of being involved and helping people resolve differences with fairness to all sides: Disrespect. People living side-by-side, above and beneath one another with party walls, picket fencing or even a large yard separating their existence from that of their neighbors, don't respect the peaceful enjoyment of their neighbors' homes, they drain pool water into their yards, they keep smelly trash in improper containers, allow their pets to wander, and take the old "kids'll be kids" attitude when their little ones (I'm a father, for the record) aren't behaving neighborly.

Having respect for others is a sign of intelligence. So is having patience with people in your midst who may not be aware they're causing harm. But smart people who respect the society around them don't require the rest of us to be indulgent and patient. We live our lives with the hope of never having to complain about a noisy neighbor -- the noise-acculturated seem to think anyone who complains just wants to complain.

Nope. We just want peace.

A guy yelling into his cellphone confronted me once on a train when I just continually stared at him. "What are you looking at?" he said. "Oh," I said. "You don't want attention? If you don't want an audience, why are you putting on a show?"

If you don't want to deal with complaints, don't give people a reason to complain.

Happy Holidays (to good neighbors only -- the rest of you go to hell)

Since my son will turn 2 soon after Christmas, he's more aware this year than last of what Being Good means, in terms of a visit from Santa. But not aware enough that he should receive a lump of coal for all his temper tantrums, biting and smashing of tree ornaments ("BALL!" he yells as he throws it into a wall). I suppose by next year he might start to grasp the concept that good behavior is rewarded by Santa, while misbehavior threatens to cut off the good stuff. Which gets me to thinking about the misbehaving children of bad neighbors, whose kids have been taught to disrespect those around them, to be selfish and petulant. The lessons aren't formalized -- it's learned misbehavior.


Christmas is generally a chance to get stuff we don't deserve and don't need. But throughout the year it's important to remind our kids that when they treat others well, they're showing good character and building a better future for themselves. Good behavior is its own reward.

Since that's not an easy concept for kids, if they were particularly nice to a neighbor -- maybe they shoveled the sidewalk of the lady next door who lives alone, or sent packaged toys to children in need whom they've never met, or even helped a friend next door with homework or a project, maybe there ought to be something special under the tree as an acknowledgement. Having a physical reward reminds us, no matter how old we are, that as we shall reap so shall we sow.

So, Merry Christmas, good neighbors. May you have much cheer to spread.